one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
