just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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