I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
