my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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