I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
