Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
