how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
