some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
