Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize