The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
