Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Randomize
