We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
