it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
