i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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