I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
