I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
