Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
did i walk over a car last night?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize