Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
