Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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