I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
