I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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