the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
