Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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