So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
