is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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