dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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