After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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