I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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