I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
