apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
