I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
