I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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