Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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