I accidentally had phone sex last night
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
