Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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