I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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