I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
