thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
