so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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