Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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