Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
