You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
