Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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