I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
