I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
