dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
