Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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