his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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