bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize