we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
3pm strippers are depressing
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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