he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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