if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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