I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
