Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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