Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
