I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
