your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
