Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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