i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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