my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
