1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
