God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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