i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize