Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
