I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
