No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
