Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
