I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I want a musical about memes.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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